I am not weak.

I repeat, I am not weak.

Just because I let my tears fall after hearing what happened to my friend does not mean I cannot handle it. I can and I will if he just lets me. I am beyond angry right now. Here I am, thinking I've done agood job of handling whatever it is that I need to handle and she tells me my boss thinks I'm not strong enough for the damn job. He could have had the decency to tell it to my face and ask me if I can do it. Now she says he's asking her to cover for me because he thinks I cannot handle it because I'm too attached to the person involved.

Damn it to hell! I know I am affected by it all. I know that our long-ago connection has not been broken after a couple of years. But damn it! I know that I want to help in the best way I can. Does that make me incompetent and weak?

I hate it when people equate tears with weakness. I can't stand people who fight back their tears in an effort to appear strong. Isn't the courage to wear your heart on your sleeve a show of true strength?

I have never thought that hiding behind a veneer of coolness when your world is going topsy-turvy and keeping all your emotions neatly tucked inside you is wise at all. One day, people like these will explode and nothing that can be salvaged from the wreckage will probably be of use to anyone.

Maybe I do need to change careers. Start fresh. Move on. My happiness is slowly slipping away...

Writing, an activity I enjoyed and cherished, has ceased to become a source of pleasure and excitement. In this place where I work, it has become a duty, a task to be performed. I have never found it difficult to write before. I have seldom encountered writer's block before this job. And I have been writing since I was in fourth grade. But now, writer's block occurs more often, sometimes desperately needing a change of scenery to unclog the tangled words and the jumbled phrases.

Maybe a new job in a new environment will change this. I do hope so...

Part of me is, of course, scared of a drastic change in my life. But I know that if I put my mind to it everything will be fine and that I can do it and I can prove to everyone who doubted me that I am strong and I can do whatever I have to do in order to fulfill my dreams.