thanks to all those who prayed for my mother, she was finally discharged from the hospital last saturday. we had spent nearly a month in that awful place and now...now she is to continue the long healing process at home.

she is unable to walk, nor speak properly. her right hand is at best weak, but is slightly paralyzed. she could not even hold a pen or a spoon.

she will undergo physical therapy for many months and will have to take a cocktail of drugs seven times a day to keep her blood pressure and whatever else in check. the doctor tells us that if she loses 10 pounds in a year she will feel better.

she cannot work anymore. i am left to shoulder the bills and other small expenses for the house. the hospital bill came to P126,000.00. all in all, the four doctors are asking for P64,000.00 as their professional fees.

and to add to the chaos that is my life, my younger sister is acting up. and up until yesterday, i did not understand why. but now i know and i cannot help but feel despair for my family. there had been so much hurt and anger going on underneath the calm surface that i am left speechless.

i feel as if i am unravelling, a ball of yarn so painstakingly wound now unwinding to a desperate heap on the ground.

people tell me to be strong. how?

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find it at www.googlism.com

good news, dear friends. and bad news as well.

my mother is being discharged from the hospital on friday. she, however, cannot walk, stand or sit by herself. she is currently undergoing therapy to fully regain her speech and mobility.

it would take months, even years, i feel to bring back the mother i knew.

she is sometimes cranky and disobedient. i sometimes feel that i am the mother and she the child. i am terribly worried. will i ever get my life back again? will she?

her depression is understandable. she used to talk a mile a minute. she prided herself in her ability to communicate with everyone -- people she meets on buses, the mall, wherever. and now, that is gone, temporarily we hope.

but it is still uphill. she needs to be carted around on a wheelchair and has to continue going to therapy. if you guys know anyone who can provide home service therapy please let me know. if you know of anyone who can lend me a wheelchair, let me know as well.

i pray that all would be well.

my nights are two hours long and my days are rollercoaster rides across three cities. i am tired. my heart is tired. i need my life back. dear sweet jesus.

when i first saw him, we had a wall between us.

no, it wasn't an actual wall made of bricks nor stone, but an effective wall nevertheless.

he walked in from the sunshine and i, i had to catch my breath. he did not look as if he belonged there, where dreams end and hopes die.

i followed him with my eyes, wondering who he was.

and then, we met. that day, when i did not know what to say nor why i should utter a word at all. i did not think any word would penetrate the wall that separated us.

i let it go. but some days, he crosses my mind and we talk. about nothing, really. i think we have this connection, an unspeakeable bond we dare not think about too much.

then came a time when a layer of the wall crumbled to pieces beneath our feet.

i saw him again and he took my hands in his. i could only look away: i could not hold a candle to his beauty and brilliance.

i did not know anything -- of life, of suffering, of pain so fierce you wake up at night bathed in your own sweat.

and he knew all those, and probably more.

i know we would be nothing more than this. to call it friendship would be too presumptuous.

for really, what does he know about me? and what do i know about him except his riveting tale of woe?

i am safe in my corner of the earth. why disrupt my universe?

his world does not need any more upheavals; i rather think he has had enough of those.

i am content to listen to him. for really, that is all i can do.

- for c. because i know how you feel.

my lolo died while eating chicharon (fried pork skin). myocardial infarction, i think it was. as i recall, it was a condition wherein fat builds up inside the arteries which makes it difficult for the blood to go through and makes it doubly harder for the heart to pump blood to the body. my lolo was 74 when he passed away.

now i have nothing against chicharon. i think most of us have a guilty liking for that cholesterol-laced snack which we dip into copious amounts of spicy vinegar and, sometimes, go well with steamed rice. it is also a favorite among the beer-slugging crowd. but i have sworn myself from it. and not just because of my lolo.

my mother, my 48-year old mother, suffered a stroke on tuesday morning last week. she had been eating chicharon for three consecutive days before the attack. my sister tells me our mother woke up at five in the morning, nauseous, with a massive headache, and thereafter started vomiting violently.

my mother, who is well-known for her adamant refusal to be taken to a doctor or given medical help when she experiences pain and discomfort begged my sister to call an ambulance. i guess she was in so much pain she had finally admitted to herself that she needed help. she was carried on a gurney to the waiting ambulance and rushed to the nearest emergency room.

her blood pressure when she arrived was 260 over 140. a minute later and she would have popped a vein and gone into a coma. she was admitted later to the intensive care unit and stayed there for six agonizing days.

joks and i kept a nightly vigil in the icu's badly lit, poorly-ventilated waiting room which had chairs like the ones in the domestic airport boarding area. we hardly slept and were frequently called to my mother's bedside even though it was past visiting hours (11am-12nn & 5pm-6pm) in the wee hours of the morning to either feed her tasteless oatmeal, massage her legs, or sing her to sleep.

i remember the first time i saw her, on tuesday last week at around 5pm. i got away as soon as i could from the office feeling so much like a truant daughter who could not even rush to her mother's sickbed because she had so much work to do. my mother's face was ashen, her eyes were not the same size, and she was clearly in so much pain and discomfort. she vomitted twice during the half hour i was with her then.

it was found that her blood sugar was high, her bad cholesterol number was off the roof, and her uric acid was at a dangerous level -- in short, it was a wonder that she survived at all. the ct scan that doctors ordered found an ominous blood clot inside her brain, a normal occurence in strokes of that magnitude.

at first, the neurologist recommended urgent surgery to suck up the blood clot, which he said was 18cc big. the surgery would cost 400,000 pesos.

i prayed for a miracle and asked all my wonderful friends to do the same.

the neurosurgeon who later looked at the ct scan told us that the clot was only 5cc small and could be eradicated through aggressive medication. my prayer was answered.

on sunday, she was finally transferred to a private room. at last, joks and i could get some sleep in the evenings again. there was aircondition, cable tv, a refrigerator, and a phone. all we wanted was airconditioning because my mother's blood simply boils up when the weather is warm. the room cost 1,500 pesos per day.

yesterday was my first day back to work. after only two hours of sleep (my mother was sometimes fitful at night and required patience and wide-awake attention), joks and i hauled our asses to the office. then, after a day's work, we went back to the hospital and prayed for sleep to come not only to us but more importantly, to my mother.

all was well until around 3:30 am. i woke up to my mother's moaning. she was trying to get up and walk to the bathroom. she wanted to go home. she told us that the doctor told her she could go home by friday if she could stand up by herself.

today, at work, my sister called me and said that doctors recommended another ct scan as they fear that my mother is going into what is called the twilight zone. she is sleeping soundly and could not be woken up by the doctors and nurses. my mother is a light sleeper and it takes a while for her to doze off.

hence, the cause for alarm. i don't know what will happen.

i am so scared for my mother. i keep praying that this nightmare would end soon. however, i know that no matter how much i pray, it will always be god's will that would prevail.

i would like to thank all my wonderful, wonderful friends who offered their prayers and money for my mother and our family. words cannot express my gratitude to all of you.

and to joks, who has stayed by my side throughout this whole thing, thank you and i love you. i feel so blessed to have someone like you beside me. you are my wall of strength and my well of courage. thank you for showing me how much you love me.