I am in a muck and I can't seem to get out of it. Sometimes I wonder if I have a bipolar disorder, something we used to discuss in PSY class in college. We did our thesis on that too, interviewed people with clinical depression, duly praised by the "top dogs" of the panel.

From what I remember though, I'm hardly depressed. I haven't slashed my wrists yet and the hopelessness I feel is confined to work-related things lang naman. But sometimes, sometimes I feel as if, what's the freaking point? Why go on? Why hope? Why dream? Why should I keep on living?

I really can't explain it, I just feel it. I feel like I'm in the middle of a deep, dark pond and I'm terrified because I can't see my feet, I can't feel the bottom of the pond and it scares me.

I remember my first snorkelling experience in Anilao. It should have been one of the most exhilirating experiences of my life, because, well, I saw Nemo. But it wasn't. I couldn't feel the bottom of the ocean, I couldn't have the reassurance that when I let go of the boat I won't sink to the bottom and drown. I simply couldn't let go of my fears and let the sea take me along for the ride.

I really can't explain how I feel and yet, I just feel so sad, so inexplicably sad and angry and frustrated and i don't know what else. I feel resentment, envy, and I hate it. I hate myself for being this way.

One always says that it's no good comparing myself to others. It's no use trying to be like another person. It's no use wishing for something you cannot have.

BUT still!

Why do I always pale in comparison to them? Why do I feel as if they have it better than I have? Why am I so insecure as to base my happiness on other people? Why do I have to depend on money and material things to make me happy? Why do I feel so empty, as if I cannot go on, as if there is nothing more for me?

I hate having to be in this rut. The thing is, I'm here most of the time, I just try to ignore it. But somehow, this time, there's no escaping it.

Why do I hate her so much it makes me tremble? Why do I envy her so much it makes me hate myself? Why don't I want to see her happy? Why do I even care?

Why this anger?

Why this pain?