i'm such a big failure. i'm this loser that nobody cares for. i feel as if i should be walking around with a big neon sign on my forehead saying "i'm a big loser."

we had our first scuba diving lessons today and i completely sucked. even the dive instructors gave up on me. loser, loser, loser.

*sob* if only i can be effortlessly unafraid of the deep but i can't seem to shake off my fear. i hate myself for being so weak. until now i cannot stop crying. i am so frustrated and embarrassed by my stupid stinking self.

i can't stand being me. i hate it, i hate myself. i feel so alone. so f***ing helpless. i hate myself. hate myself.

why do i feel this way?

joks is so many miles away and i miss him so bad. i need him.

i feel as if a can't face anyone anymore. dig a deep hole into the ground and stay there forever.

i want to learn so bad but i'm such a failure. failure. loser.

what's worse is out of the dozen of us who took lessons, i was the only one who couldn't go all the way down. i tried thrice, no go. shit.

i so hate myself. i ought to be shot.