i didn't think i'd admit it to myself or to anyone else that i enjoyed myself last night. i mean, barring the good food, it was probably because of well, okay, him.

three years ago, when i met him, i instantly felt attracted to him. the circumstances surrounding our meeting were unusual, and i guess unique. i was, by then head over heels in love with the guy i'm with now, and he was not free either, physically and matrimonially speaking.

but then, there it is. maybe it was his good looks, or maybe it was just him. of course, i held myself back, seeing no reason not to. in a way, weird as it seems, we had a connection. we corresponded rather sporadically after that first meeting. and i saw him once or twice within the three years. news reached me of his happiness and i was glad, though a part of me said, "awww shucks."

and then last night i saw him again, under quite different circumstances, a different ambiance.

me: hey, i saw your kid.
him: really, where?
me: powerbooks, with her mom.
him: hmmm...

of course, he teased me about how i looked and i acted slightly offended, but inside i was giddy with happiness. lord help me, i couldn't help myself. he helped himself to my food, and he said he liked it. i couldn't stop myself from staring at him and at times i'd watch the restaurant's door just to tear my eyes away from his face.

when we transferred to a coffee shop i ordered two pastries for everybody.

him: anong masarap dito?
officemate: ito, siguro.
him: siguro mas maniniwala ako sa kanya (ako daw).
me: ayan ka na naman. ngayon lang tayo ulit nagkita ganyan ka pa...
him: (taking my hands in his) ikaw naman, biro lang...

tangina. kinikilig ako.

and then when we sat down, i had the audacity to sit across him again. he asked me, between mouthfuls of cake:

"mahilig ka ba sa matamis?"

me: nang-aasar ka na naman e.
him: hindi ano ka ba... (taking my hands in his again...) di ba nga nagte-text-an pa tayo dati ng madaling araw na?
me: (inwardly) arrggghhh! not in front of the boss!!!

i couldn't stop smiling from ear to ear. i had to go to the bathroom to compose myself. kakahiya.

they went to a bar afterwards and i wanted to join them but my knight in a shiny motorcycle came just then to pick me up and i had no choice but to say good-bye. i probably won't see him again for the next, say, three years. i had a dream about him once before. and last night i could hardly sleep.

and now i feel guilty for feeling attracted to a guy i barely know. besides, i love my knight very much.

there. i've said it. so help me god.