i had a breakdown yesterday in the office. i cried my eyes out because i couldn't take everything anymore.

we were actually about to go to anilao for a semi-holiday and i was already in my suit and sundress.

but then, mom's credit card company called asking me what i should do with her debt of php53,000. then, i called my sister and she was ranting about the expenses and mom's needs. after that, joks sent me a message about his mother being sick and the probability of him having to go to negros.

it was just too much for a monday morning.

because of how i felt, physically and emotionally, i elected not to go with them to batangas.

before they left, sheryl told me that the location of my cubicle (underneath the stairs) is probably causing all these things to happen. so perhaps i should move somewhere else?

sometimes i feel as if every sort of misfortune has happened to me and to my family.

joks' mom is ill and he may have to go to negros when we found out more about it. if this happened last year i wouldn't have minded. but after my mother's apoplectic fit and my miscarriage, i'd say the one above went far too much on the trials phase of my life.

it would have been alright if we had no aspirations and no dreams of someday getting away from here -- but the fact is, we keep taking one tiny step forward and three giant steps back these past few months in attaining our goal.

masama ba kaming tao para pahirapan ng ganito? hindi naman kami nagnanakaw. hindi naman kami nanloloko ng ibang tao. anong nagawa naming kasalanan para bagyuhin ng kamalasan?

i lost the baby.

i feel so empty -- how does life go on at times like these?

i have tried hard not to show my grief, to be brave and smile. but the truth is, it hurts so much i don't think i'll ever be completely happy again.

to lose a child, a child you love without knowing, without condition, with every conviction your heart could muster, is the most painful thing that could ever happen to anyone and it has happened to me.

on thursday morning, when all the rest of the world is rising from deep slumber, i bled. the pain was more than i could bear. more than the physical pain, it was the angusih of feeling your child, a part of you, being torn from your womb.

how can i ever be happy again? my only refuge, my husband, has been a pillar of strength and he keeps me going. why do things like these keep happening to me?