he is gone. the candle has burned out for one of us.

dreamweaver, i just don't know what to say.

six more months...

i took this picture shortly before my mother got out of the hospital, december 2004. this was in laguna and i was trying to see the beauty in such mundane things as an abandoned field in front of a car manufacturing plant. oh well.

waiting for the bus that would take us to clark airport, sm megamall, may 2005

my mother now. nothing is the same anymore.

view from below. a mall along orchard road, singapore, may 2005

paya lebar mrt station, singapore, may 2005

another one.somebody said i looked like someone. you think?

recent pic. �

well shoot. the post i've been working on for the past hour has been completely obliterated.

so this will be brief, painful but brief. my boss is in an l.a. hospital icu for malaria. our other cameraman is in san lazaro hospital for the same illness. sadly, a radio reporter who accompanied them passed away last night.

they all came from rizal, palawan for a shoot.

being entities from the media, they will of course attract media attention. they just might be in the news later so keep your eyes peeled. please help us pray for them. even if i have issues with my present occupation, i still don't want that to happen to him.

to know more about malaria click here.

obviously, this overshadows everything in the office right now but i do have some problems i cannot simply get rid of. since my boss is away, the money i've been expecting to receive won't be coming anytime soon which means i might have to pawn my wedding ring *sob.* i don't know what else to do. it's all so crazy.

i have wonderful wonderful friends. cessy, y_slaybelle, thank you for your inspiring words. samantha starbucks, even though we do not know each other (or do we?) i thank you for taking the time to read my post of desperation, and commenting on it. your concern, all of you, bring me hope.

yesterday, in a moment of despair, i cried buckets of tears and opened the bible. i have kept a small volume on my bookshelf and for the first time in many many months i felt it was time to pray in earnest. i don't know what happened but when i read matthew 6:25-34 it is as if God was speaking to me, and he was right there with me, the moment i really needed peace.

"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. ... Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ... Oh you of little faith? So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' ...Your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NIV)

i cried and cried and cried. and after that, i suddenly was quiet, as if He himself wiped away my tears and made me stop sobbing out loud. it is hard to stop worrying but i am learning every minute. i worry and then i catch myself and i take a deep breath. we have money in the bank, something i didn't want to dip into unless it's very necessary but then we do have that. and i am expecting to get something from a racket i did a long time ago. we will not go hungry; my mother will be fed; the electricity, phone and water bills will all be paid when i am able to do so. at least, i pray they would. somehow though, i know they will.

it is true then, that at your darkest hour, God's love is the only thing you can see. and this is why we need to be in darkness sometimes. it's funny how life teaches you a thing or two without you knowing that you need to learn something.

if you feel squeamish about matters of faith, stay away from this post as this is about to get really sappy...

faced with the barest minimum, i feel as if i am being forced to rely on my faith, to trust that He would provide for whatever needs i may have.

i feel as if i'm being stretched to the limits of my certitude in the Great Provider. but whate else can i do but to trust and believe in Him when all i have are not enough for the needs of three families for whom my husband and i provide?

my stomach is in knots, i find it hard to sleep at night when all i could think about are my financial concerns. i am so so afraid, and i cannot deny that there are many times these past few days that i felt so angry -- at Him, at Fate, and at myself for even feelign this way.

in philosophy of religion in college we talked about how one's doubts increase one's faith, and somehow, my mind understands how He is shaping me to be more faithful. but in my heart of hearts, i wonder why i need to go through all of these at all. in a span of five months, i have lost a parent (as i am the one doing the parenting and the providing), i have lost a child, and am very close to losing my mind.

a friend told me maybe i need a change, or perhaps a shrink, someone to talk to that would perhaps not completely understand but help me sort out the jumbled emotions i am constantly battling. i don't know, i don't have the money. i don't even have the money to buy shampoo these days.

i realized yesterday how much potential i have and it's taken all of these crises in my life to do that. i have been paralyzed with fear before and now, i am facing a different kind of fear -- of not having the capacity to do what i have to do. sometimes i feel as if i have the whole world on my shoulders.

i am so tired, so so tired. ending it all, escaping from everything sometimes sounds like a good option. and i hate myself for even thinking about it. but this is how i feel and i am tired of feeling this way. i feel as if i am hanging by a thread, hanging on to the steadfast support and love of my husband for he is all i have.

when will it be? when will the sun shine through? when will this pass? will it?

Your Amazing Yoda Sex Line

"Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"

You Will Die at Age 67

67 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

something tells me i better get on a treadmill fast.

You Are 65% Normal (Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

darn. i was going for exceptionally boring.

Your Birthdate: January 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

creepy. because most of it's true.

Your Deadly Sins

Gluttony: 80%

Greed: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Lust: 20%

Pride: 20%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 31%

You'll die choking on a cookie in bed.

lol. crap. i'm the world's biggest sloth.

Your Star Wars Name and Title

Your Star Wars Name: Layam Caman Your Star Wars Title: Ramcho of Lyrehs

wtf? and i'm not even a star wars fan.

for the second installment of my adventure in singapore and kl, hang on, i have yet to write it down. feeling lazy at the moment. can't seem to do tasks that require a lot of grey matter. i'm saving my brain power for the weekend for some serious scriptwriting. ouch.

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

haha. i'm cruel. cool.

Day Three

Our hotel didn’t offer free breakfast so we had to bring our own. I didn’t feel like eating cereal though so I headed out to get dollars and buy my own chow. Exchange rate is Php30 to a dollar. I bought bread from Bread Talk; the prices are a bit more expensive. The Floss bread costs S$1.40 or around Php40.

I had agreed to meet M and H at the nearby McDonald’s but since they weren’t there still I explored for a while. I went into the Converse store and found that the cheapest sneakers they have cost S$45 or Php1,350, Php300 less than the price in the Philippines. Other stuff were outrageously expensive – you’d have to be a complete moron to shop there when you could get the same stuff for less in Tutuban. One mall, Seiyu, was having a super sale. Their idea of a sale confounds me. Ped socks were going for three for S$10, or about Php100 apiece. You could get the same socks for Php10 in Divisoria.

In Parco mall I sighted a shop that sells gelato, two scoops for S$3.80 or Php114. M urged me to try it out. I chose the Ferrero and white chocolate flavors. It was superb. Ferrero Rocher is hands down my favorite brand of chocolate and to have it as an ice cream flavor is delightful with a capital D.

After that bit of malling we headed out to work once more. We had dinner again at Temenggong Road that night so from our hotel we took a cab that would take us directly to the house. It was a Saturday night and we weren’t taking any chances again.

I got my first taste of hawker food at lunch this day – S$2 for a meal with one meat and one vegetable dish. I had chicken curry.

Day Four

We were scheduled to do some interviews outdoor that day but much to our chagrin, when we woke up it was raining. We had no choice but to cancel the interviews but we still went out to shoot some footage that we needed.

Highlight of the day was our trip to Little India. I was able to buy some reasonably-priced bangles for pasalubong.

We walked along Orchard Road which is literally a shopping mecca – for those with money at least. It was great strolling along tree-lined street bustling with shoppers. On a related note, it was Sunday and perhaps every Filipina domestic helper’s day off. We saw lots of them at the Orchard Road MRT station where they apparently converged every week.

One thing I could say about Singapore is their impressive MRT system. We were quick learners and so before this day we were able to acquaint ourselves with it and how to transfer from one line to the other to get to our destination. Maps from the hotel were particularly helpful. I am happy with the knowledge that though it is my first time there, I will not get lost in Singapore.

So far we spent the first day entirely on traveling. We arrived at the Singapore KTM station at around 8:00 in the morning. Now we had to get to our hotel on Beach Road. No, it’s not the Raffles Hotel (which is at #1 Beach Road). Fat chance.

We took a cab that had a flag down rate of S$2.40. We found out soon enough that Singapore has a tax for nearly everything. Because we passed through the central business district, we had to pay an extra dollar. Taxis also charge one dollar if it’s rush hour. Honey, there’s nothing rush about their rush hour. We breezed through and were at our destination in less than 10 minutes.

We were staying at the Beach Hotel at the corner of Beach Road and Liang Seah Street. The room was clean and so was the bathroom. We booked through the website. If you look through it, you’ll see a page that lists budget hotels in the country you are going. If I remember correctly, our room cost Php900++ per person per night. It costs less if you’re four in a room, Php800++ per person per night.

As soon as we unloaded our bags in the room, we got out to have breakfast, at where else, but McDonald’s? I forgot how much the Big Breakfast costs but to be sure, it’s much more expensive than I expected. Well upon exploring a bit we found that we were very near Bugis Junction where there are several malls and tempting opportunities for shopping.

According to my guidebook, Bugis street was once like our Ermita but the government decided to take all the scandalous fun away and sanitized it with gleaming malls and a tiangge area a few years ago. However, the area looked promising and we couldn’t wait for a free day where we could explore more.

After breakfast we headed back to the hotel to take that much-needed shower. Spending the entire day snoozing would have been great but we were in Singapore to work. And work we did until about 6:00 p.m. Then we went back to the hotel, freshened up, took a longing look at our comfy beds and headed back out.

We were scheduled to have dinner with our subject’s husband and two Singaporean filmmakers at 8:00 p.m. our directions were for us to take bus number 100 to the Harbour Front City Center bus stop, and take a cab into Temenggong Road.

Easier said than done. Harbour Front is an area right across the famous Sentosa island. From where we alighted we could see the cable cars coming from Mt. Faber making its way to Sentosa. It was hard to get a cab on a Friday night. I remembered y_slaybelle’s observation about taxi drivers in Singapore. One guy even tried to charge us S$25 which he said was a flat rate. Well, taxi drivers after all, are human, either that, or that guy’s a Filipino. Temenggong Road turned out to be very near the Harbour Front but walking on it at night was not recommended because the road is very dark and goes uphill.

Our host took pity on us and picked us up about halfway up the hill. We arrived at the house at 9:00 p.m. By that time, all three of us were hungry, sleepy and very, very tired. The dinner was excellent but about 10 minutes into it I felt really woozy and not quite there. I had been drinking chardonnay – not a very good idea. I drank copious amounts of water after that so I was able to hold a perfectly intelligent conversation with the people at the dinner.

It was my first time to be in such a dinner (wine, chocolates, and dates, and an offer of barley or coffee afterwards) and I’m glad I’ve had excellent education that did not fail me at that moment.

We had to tell our host how arduous our train ride from KL had been so they told us to take the bus instead. Not only is it cheaper, they said, it is also faster and more convenient. We promised to look into it. Actually, anything else looks good after that train ride. Though it is an experience worth having, it’s not worth repeating. Take the plane straight to Singapore if you can!

At around midnight we had to admit defeat to our exhaustion. We called a cab (an additional S$3.60 on the meter if you do so, plus a surcharge for the late hour) that took us right to our hotel’s doorstep. We declined to take up our host’s recommendation to go and experience the night life in Boat Quay which they said was “jumping” at that hour. Never mind, we’d like to do a different kind of jumping ourselves, from the shower and straight into our beds.

Or how I became a foreigner for the first time in my life...

Bear with me on this one will you? It’s my first time ever so I feel as if I have to blog everything for posterity. Not that I will ever forget it. It’s just that I want it written, as if to prove to myself I’ve really done it.

I woke up at 8:30 in the morning, immediately went into the shower, and did some last minute packing. I’ve been packing for days but I felt that there were still stuff I didn’t get to pack. I asked Joks to bring me to SM Megamall where the shuttle to the airport will be. I wanted to get there early so we were off at around 10:00.

At nearly 10:30 I arrive at the mall, lugging a bulging backpack with about seven days’ worth of clothes, my mailman bag containing my script, transcripts, passport, and money. Okay, so I had Php 3,500 with me. I wanted to bring more but I couldn’t – it’s all I have so it’ll have to do.

I grab lunch at the Food Court, grateful that I could sit down and unload my luggage. It must have weighed a ton and my back is killing me. The shuttle ride is supposed to leave at 12 noon so I head on to the desk to get tickets.

Philtranco bus ride to Clark: Php300 each.

I find out that my two traveling companions, let’s call them M. and H., are going to be a bit late. And then when they arrive with just a few minutes to spare, we find out the bus had been delayed. The ticket guy assured us that though their bus is late, we will be able to make our 4:30 p.m. flight on time. Whatever. I just want to fly.

The bus finally pulls in at 1:00 p.m. Great. I was surprised to find out that the shuttle had an attendant – a young woman who gritted her teeth when we asked her if we would be able to make it on time. Her answer: “Bibilisan na lang po natin.” Which is Filipino for, “I’m going to have to kill the driver for screwing with the gas tank.” Jesus H. Christ!

I thank the Lord for the refurbished but outrageously expensive NLEX. Without it, I believe we truly could have missed our flight. At 2:45 p.m., the bus screeches to a halt in front of the departure area of the Diosdado Macapagal International Airport. We immediately check in our baggage. My backpack weighs a little over than 6 kilograms – I swear it felt heavier than that.

We had to pay travel tax at the airport, the total for us three came to over Php4,000 but I don’t know the exact amount. I mention this because before we went there, we had no idea we had to pay that much. We booked our flight through the internet but, I regret to say, we failed to read the fine print that says we still have to pay travel tax. Anyway, what happened was, our production budget was significantly diminished because of this. And we still had to pay the terminal fee of Php350 each. Milking us for all we’re worth and we haven’t even flown yet.
Shortly after checking in, we go through Immigration. For me it was such a novel experience, it’s my first international flight ever and was I psyched! I couldn’t wait to get on the plane. Plus, my spanking new passport gets its first stamp. Yay!

(On a related note, I had my passport renewed through the DFA Passport Direct. It cost me Php1,300 and took a week to be delivered. It’s great because it’s hassle-free. I don’t have to queue up to bring my passport to DFA or get it when it’s done. They pick up my old passport and deliver it along with the new one. The service doesn’t cover new passport applications though.)

At 4:00 p.m., we start boarding. “Air Asia Flight AK033 for Kuala Lumpur now boarding. Ladies and children first, if you may.” Yeah right. Chivalry is a dying art. Either that or it’s the free seating. Who wants to get left with the worst seat on a four-hour flight?

Price for a roundtrip flight via Air Asia (their tag line is: “Now everyone can fly.”): Php8,000++ but you can only book through their website, using your credit card.

A few minutes later we were finally seated in a row behind the middle emergency exits. It’s probably the least cramped seat there. The aircraft, I soon found out, was a Boeing 737. Since it’s a budget airline, there aren’t any free snacks. There is a menu though but the prices are outrageous. You have to pay Php50 for a bottle of water and Php65 for cola and juice. A rice meal, called Nasi Lemak goes for Php125. A baguette costs Php110, I think. We resolve to eat dinner in Kuala Lumpur.

About midway into the flight, we experience some turbulence at 34,000 feet. Knowing that we are probably over the ocean by then is not a comforting thought. I jokingly ask M if he could manage the emergency exit door if need be. He gave me a threatening glare. Okay, I know, not funny. Ha-ha.

The bad weather lasted for about a quarter of an hour. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life.

At a little over 8:00 p.m.,we touch down at the posh Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA). We had to go through three walkalators before we could take an escalator down to immigration. I was expecting to get asked what I was doing in Kuala Lumpur with only Php3,500 but luckily, the Immigration Officer hardly took a look at me, stamped my passport and embarkation card and waved me through. Cool.

I had to stop pinching myself. Am I really not in the Philippines already? After we get our luggage, we proceed to the bustling arrival hall. We get a few ringgits, and get tickets for the KLIA Ekspres which would take us to the Kuala Lumpur Central Train Station. Cost: RM35 each.

Will post photos soon but I can tell you, the KLIA Ekspres is as posh as can be. The disembodied voice told us we’ll be at the station in 28 minutes. Along the way, we get our first sight of the Petronas Twin Towers. See you later ladies, we have a train to catch.

At the central station, we decide to grab a quick and very late dinner at McDonald’s. We hungrily bite into our grilled chicken foldovers. It’s a bit like KFC’s Go-go Sandwich only it’s not breaded and was almost twice its size. Yummy but we had to rush to the platform of the train that would take us to Singapore. We went into carriage L3 and had beds 17, 18 and 20. It’s a sleeper coach wherein their stab at providing privacy were curtains. Cost for the three of us one-way to Singapore: S$124.

It was okay, should have been, except that our coach was filled to the brim with what I will politically incorrectly call the “Chicken Curry Chorale.” Okay, I have no problem with chicken curry, it’s even one of my favorite dishes, but, I just don’t like its pungent smell on people. Yes, you got it. We were in the Aromatic Chamber of Doom. From our left and right arose the heady scent of anghit. I purposefully used the Tagalog word because some people might read this and label me a racist.

No, I am not a racist. But if I have to spend more than eight hours in a confined space with people who smelled like they just got off a curry shower, I can call them whatever I want to call them! I mean, don’t they know that they smell awful? The amazing part is, it’s the women who don’t smell too good. You see, I encountered one of them in the plane, and he was wearing a pleasant-smelling perfume. One young guy who was with the CCC smelled fine. But the women, my god. I have no words to describe them.

When the train began to move at around 10:30 p.m., I noticed a woman of size (notice my politically correct term) who was watching the people go by. I was luckily assigned in one of the lower bunks and this woman had difficulty climbing into the upper berth. I mean, she tried several times but she simply couldn’t carry herself and couldn’t very well swing her saree-clad legs onto the bed.

Finally, they came to me. Her husband asked if we could trade beds. In the back of my mind I was wondering, why the hell did they pick me? There were much smaller women than I am in the lower beds. Why pick me? Maybe I looked kind. Or maybe I just looked like a sucker. Hello? Did I look like a savior or a super hero? I think not. But, gink that I am, I acquiesced. Maybe I’m in for good karma or something.

As soon as I climbed into my bed, I felt that I had to pee. So I had to go down again. If any of you guys decide to travel from KL to Singapore or vice versa by train, take heed. The toilet is communal and not very presentable. It’s very small, kind of like the ones in a plane. It also has a sign that says: “Please do not use toilet when train is at a stop.” The sign worries me.

Though I was able to sleep, I was very uncomfortable. The train swayed at times, jerking me awake. I must have woken several times during the night due to the train’s movements and the heat. The carriage was airconditioned but you’d never know it most of the time. At around 6:00 in the morning we were awakened by a guy who gave out embarkation cards that we were to fill out.

Once we reached Johor Bahru, the last town before we enter the causeway that connects the Malaysian peninsula to the island of Singapore across the Strait of Johor, several immigration officials came aboard and checked our passports. One Indian guy had some trouble because he had no visa to Singapore yet had a transit visa to Malaysia. Thing was, he couldn’t go to Singapore and couldn’t stay in Malaysia either. He and his companion were asked to step off the train. We left without them.

According to my guidebook (Globetrotter, Php514, on sale at Fully Booked), the causeway is one kilometer long. After the brief stop at Johor Bahru, we were all looking forward to getting off at Singapore. However, once we reached the Woodlands train station at the northernmost tip of the island, we were asked to disembark along with all our luggage. What a hassle. We had to go through immigration and customs again and board the train. Take note, we had very little sleep, no bath or any washing up whatsoever, and no breakfast yet. It was already 7:30 then and it looks as if we would not be arriving at 7:45 a.m. in the Singapore KTM station. All three of us were grumpy as hell.

Of course, upon passing the CCC, we were assailed once more by the heady aroma of anghit. I wondered whether the women use that as come-ons to their men. I wondered whether the men are attracted to women who smelled that way. What a thought. It must be the smell that’s getting to me. Some of the older men, and later, I would find out, even young children, smelled that way.

I remember I had a friend in college who is of their race and she didn’t smell like these people did. She smelled fine, in fact. Is it their food? Why then do Filipinos not smell like bagoong or patis? Do they ever take regular baths? They looked clean, though. Some even looked like they just came from the shower. It puzzled me really.