if you feel squeamish about matters of faith, stay away from this post as this is about to get really sappy...

faced with the barest minimum, i feel as if i am being forced to rely on my faith, to trust that He would provide for whatever needs i may have.

i feel as if i'm being stretched to the limits of my certitude in the Great Provider. but whate else can i do but to trust and believe in Him when all i have are not enough for the needs of three families for whom my husband and i provide?

my stomach is in knots, i find it hard to sleep at night when all i could think about are my financial concerns. i am so so afraid, and i cannot deny that there are many times these past few days that i felt so angry -- at Him, at Fate, and at myself for even feelign this way.

in philosophy of religion in college we talked about how one's doubts increase one's faith, and somehow, my mind understands how He is shaping me to be more faithful. but in my heart of hearts, i wonder why i need to go through all of these at all. in a span of five months, i have lost a parent (as i am the one doing the parenting and the providing), i have lost a child, and am very close to losing my mind.

a friend told me maybe i need a change, or perhaps a shrink, someone to talk to that would perhaps not completely understand but help me sort out the jumbled emotions i am constantly battling. i don't know, i don't have the money. i don't even have the money to buy shampoo these days.

i realized yesterday how much potential i have and it's taken all of these crises in my life to do that. i have been paralyzed with fear before and now, i am facing a different kind of fear -- of not having the capacity to do what i have to do. sometimes i feel as if i have the whole world on my shoulders.

i am so tired, so so tired. ending it all, escaping from everything sometimes sounds like a good option. and i hate myself for even thinking about it. but this is how i feel and i am tired of feeling this way. i feel as if i am hanging by a thread, hanging on to the steadfast support and love of my husband for he is all i have.

when will it be? when will the sun shine through? when will this pass? will it?