i have wonderful wonderful friends. cessy, y_slaybelle, thank you for your inspiring words. samantha starbucks, even though we do not know each other (or do we?) i thank you for taking the time to read my post of desperation, and commenting on it. your concern, all of you, bring me hope.

yesterday, in a moment of despair, i cried buckets of tears and opened the bible. i have kept a small volume on my bookshelf and for the first time in many many months i felt it was time to pray in earnest. i don't know what happened but when i read matthew 6:25-34 it is as if God was speaking to me, and he was right there with me, the moment i really needed peace.

"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. ... Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ... Oh you of little faith? So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' ...Your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NIV)

i cried and cried and cried. and after that, i suddenly was quiet, as if He himself wiped away my tears and made me stop sobbing out loud. it is hard to stop worrying but i am learning every minute. i worry and then i catch myself and i take a deep breath. we have money in the bank, something i didn't want to dip into unless it's very necessary but then we do have that. and i am expecting to get something from a racket i did a long time ago. we will not go hungry; my mother will be fed; the electricity, phone and water bills will all be paid when i am able to do so. at least, i pray they would. somehow though, i know they will.

it is true then, that at your darkest hour, God's love is the only thing you can see. and this is why we need to be in darkness sometimes. it's funny how life teaches you a thing or two without you knowing that you need to learn something.