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Monday, June 27, 2005

pardon me for using this medium to write to you. i just felt like it would be better if it were out in the open. i think you know who you are.

as i rode the cab from rockwell to the office a while ago, i thought about the conversation we just had. i realized that it was something i had been waiting for for several months.

yes, as i have said, i missed you. not only that, i missed you greatly. i think, far more than i have realized.

these past few months have been hell for me. many times i felt as if i was a boxer in a ring, fighting an endless match, being pummeled by The Champ. i am beat. and if not for the support of the wonderful people around me, i may have been a cold, rotting body in a coffin too.

but something was missing. it is only now that i realized it was you.

it was a complete surprise for me to find out that you had been purposefully avoiding me. i never knew how much my husband's words hurt you and made you want to stop being my friend.

at first of course, i did not understand. we had been friends for so many years, why would you not understand how my husband felt about you wanting to visit my mother at the hospital? why would you not instinctively know that i still want you beside me even if he doesn't?

but then, i understand. after all, he knows something you don't. at least, i never told you what i told him. i probably shouldn't be saying this because it might put our friendship at risk, teetering as it is right now.

well, here goes: from the moment we met, i fell for you. for four solid years. there. knowing just how much i can love, and loving me as much as my husband did, he could not believe there was never anything between us except friendship. he knows i had come to you when things weren't going very well between us at the beginning. he knew you'd come to me when you had problems of your own. he is irrationally jealous, but maybe he thinks he has reason to be so.

after all, i loved you even before i knew your name. it may shock you to read this, and i expect may make you cringe and well, react unpleasantly. i understand.

i've always understood. and please do not ever think that i tried to be your friend because of how i felt for you. i have set aside my feelings for you a long time ago because i knew you'd never love me with all of your wonderful heart.

the point is, this explains why my husband feels the way he does.

and i hope you realize that it doesn't matter whether or not he feels i should continue being friends with you. i value my marriage but i also value your friendship. you, your friendship is important to me.

i miss you terribly. our late night phone conversations, the poetry we shared, the music we both enjoyed and the heartaches we helped each other with.

you will always be special to me. no matter what.