i was talking to my boss' mother a few days ago and she told me she finds the evenings the hardest times to get through these days. she says she's okay for most of the day because she gets to visit her son's grave every afternoon and bask in the sunlight and serenity of the park. but when the sun sets, she doesn't like it, she says. perhaps she feels as alone as i do sometimes -- well, these days i feel alone a lot of the time and i don't know why.

there are moments when i feel like i just want to let go -- to escape from all of these. i've been doing it most of my life they say -- not that there's any place left to run but that cold, damp place underneath the ground. and sooner or later it would be impossible for me to escape anyway. but sometimes, it seems to me that it would feel so damn good not to have the world on my shoulders any longer forever, to be free of the burdens imposed upon me.

i talked to my mother a couple of nights ago and she, in her wobbly voice, pleaded me not to let go. she promised she'd be well enough to go settle in the province with joks and me by the time she's evicted from her home by her own siblings.

really, i don't know what to do most of the time. i just grope blindly along, wishing it was over. for me, at least.

the past few months have been a terrible ordeal for me. i just felt that after going through with my mother's stroke, my miscarriage, my mother-in-law's surgery, my boss and friend's deaths, and an eviction waiting to happen, it would be illegal for anything disastrous to happen to me or anyone else around me for that matter. but then again, i'm not god. i'm just saying though, in case he's listening. he doesn't seem to do that nowadays, at least that's what it looks like to me with everything i'm being made to go through.

this is not a call for help, let me make that clear. this is just how i feel and i just wanted to express it otherwise i might explode from all the things i'm burdened with. you guys, yes you, reading this, i know who you are and you're probably getting worried sick about me. don't. on second thought, DO. i might actually be going crazy. and i might actually need intervention one of these days.

anyway, what brought this on was i was sitting here, flipping channels and i tuned into oprah.

there was this young woman who accidentally ran over an 11-year old girl named holly. and the show being oprah, they had to bring out holly's parents to meet the woman. and holly's parents talked about how holly would probably have liked her parents to reach out to the woman who killed her, to make sure she is okay. holly had also saved her lunch money for aids-stricken kids in africa and they gave the money to oprah's angel network.

i mean, the girl was 11 years old and she thinks about sick children in africa half the world away.

it was then that i knew god is shaming me for feeling the way i do. he si telling me that i have no right to die yet because well, i have nothing to show for my life. at my funeral, people would probably say nothing if i die today.

i'd like to have people saying nice things about me -- truthfully-- in my own funeral. how i saved the world from hunger and illiteracy or some other kind things like that.

seriously though, when i think about what i've done with my life right now, worthwhile stuff just don't come up. i tend to forget good, happy things like that. just the way i am.

so if you're listening / reading this and can spare a small amount of your time, please remind me. i really do need affirmation right now.