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Monday, November 14, 2005
on death. or rather, dying. i received a call the weekend before last from my aunt in the province. i have not seen her in ages, the most recent text i got was several days before when she told me how sick my grandfather already is. and so it is with trepidation that i answered her call. i expected the worst and i got well, not the baddest of the bad, but close. my lolo is in icu in a hospital near our home and i had to get there that very same day. i was experiencing somewhat painful and uncomfortable braxton-hicks contractions that day but i willed my uterus to be temporarily quiet for the time being. good thing it obeyed my fervent plea. but that was the only good thing that day. i was fortunate enough (indeed, if you can call it that) to have arrived at the hospital when my lolo was still lucid and able to recognize me. when i got there, they were still in the er but when they wheeled him to his solitary room at the icu, he fell fast asleep and no amount of rousing from his visitors later that afternoon and evening woke him up. he has been in intensive care for over a week and he shows no sign of improvement. just this afternoon i got a call from my uncle asking me if i could possibly visit tomorrow. i couldn't because of a shoot. they told me they were going to talk about a medical procedure that would not exactly save my lolo's life. my lola has given up, he said and is asking us to make a decision. i wondered why i should have to participate in such a grim mission, if i am equipped at all. my faith tells me to trust His will, that there must be a reason he is still with us, that one must never play god. my religion has always been "thy will be done." i have learned through the years that trusting His will and leaving everything up to Him is best for me. who am i to contradict Him? of course, i cannot discount exhaustion, whether it be financial, emotional and physical. i know how draining it is to be at the bedside of someone you love night and day. i can only imagine how my lola felt about seeing her partner of more than 60 years slowly shrinking smaller and smaller into the bedcovers. my lolo had been a handsome young man. his aristoctratic good looks and my lola's classic beauty, coupled with their romantic elopement was a fairy tale of sorts for me. i knew that their love was enduring, that they accepted each other without question from the time they said their vows until today. now i am rambling. what i wanted to say is that on an intellectual level i can understand why she gave up. but, there is a but, in my mind and in my heart. what should i say to my uncle who is expecting me to call tomorrow and put in my two cents' worth? do they really think that in my quarter of a century on this earth, i will be able to give an answer far wiser than any of them would? because i honestly don't. on life, and living oh what a weekend. for some weird reason, i became accident-prone starting saturday. minor burns, nothing to worry about but then, it's annoying. and this morning i woke up with an earache and baby's rapid but slight movements in my tummy. s/he is moving now as i write this. maybe s/he knows i'm talking about her. though i was able to eat a wonderful hungarian sausage breakfast (at dome cafe, php270), i was not able to eat lunch because i was just too darn busy. i am now wolfing down a cheese pizza from shakey's but life could be better. |
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