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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
yours is the first voice i heard today. i was in a place in between sleep and waking and then i heard you. i tried to sweep the cobwebs from my voice and asked you what time it was. i asked you three times. strangely enough, i did not feel anything when i heard your voice first thing in the morning. i don't know why but it seems to me i am mimicking your remoteness, in defense, maybe. i cannot tell. then i saw you and cannot look at you. i asked myself how i could ever have thought i loved you. have i grown up in a matter or seconds? is it really over for me now? when did it happen, and how? for the first time in years i realized why there was never a 'we.' why fate did not put us together. why did it take me five years to see how it would never work out? was i blinded by what i thought could have been? and it only took me one look at your face. it was weird, sitting there, facing you and me trying very hard to look your way. why did i want to see you and then not want to look at you? did you notice it too? it's as if we had only just met and i feel shy around you. i wish i could explain how i feel. i hope you never get to read this, you. because yes, i loved you but not anymore. i wonder what you'd think if you knew.
Monday, February 27, 2006
sometimes i wonder if you think of me. what did we really have? i ask myself sometimes if maybe it's better this way -- you being so far away. these miles that separate us, i cannot believe how distant we are from each other. when have you become so unreachable? sometimes, i feel as if you are running away from me, from the thoughts of what could be. but do you miss me, even once in a while? i wonder. and really. i wonder if you know how much your leaving has caused a hole to open up inside my heart. i wonder if you even remember i exist. because, what did we have really? days ago, when you called, you seemed so distant, like a stranger, when we'd known each other for years. but do i know you really? i feel like i hardly do. as the days pass, you grow more and more impersonal, you are so remote and i feel that even the warmth in my voice cannot penetrate you and the wall you've created between us. what are you so afraid of, i wonder. i never could hurt you, how could i? but did i, that one time, without me knowing? sometimes i tell myself you do not deserve this, or me. but i know deep in my heart that that isn't the point and that wrongly or rightly, you are a part of me. or is it that i keep looking for the part of myself that i lost when you went away? could you, perhaps, give it back to me?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
i cried at work today. in between stuff i have to do today and things that were due yesterday, i decided to call my mother to ask whether the electric bill had already arrived. it hadn't. so it being just after lunchtime i asked whether she had had any lunch yet. she told me she drank a glass of fortified milk and ate nothing else. when i asked her why she said that that was usually what she had for "lunch." they usually reserved the heavy meals for dinner. i asked if that was okay with her and she said yes, because well, there wasn't any money for food. so i asked her what she had for dinner last night and she said, "tofu." then, as an afterthought, "chicken." then i heard my two sisters make a remark in the background and she said, "aray!" i then asked whether my youngest sister has made moves to apply for work and my mother said yes, in a call center in makati. i again heard my two sisters make a remark, as if they did not want my mom telling me what they were up to, that my sister had just applied and nothing has come of it yet. so i thought, so f*cking what? i was just asking and i didn't think there was anything wrong with that! so i asked to speak to one of them and well my younger sister snapped that it was not as if they had chicken every night, that they actually ate chicken for the first time in weeks. so i told her, what's so bad about that? i was just asking. i had not been giving them money for groceries lately because my salary couldn't allow for my bloated expenses. i was f*cking pregnant. i have needs of my own to take care of and i could only pay for their monthly utility bills just to make sure they have uninterrupted electricity, water and phone services. besides, i wanted them to feel that they have to do something to help themselves for a change. find work. put their rotting brains to good use and lead meaningful lives. and in the process, i am made to feel guilty for starving my own mother. as if i am being punished because i wanted them to get off their butts and be useful to themselves and to this pathetic family. all they do is sleep all day and watch tv all night for christ's sake! and my younger sister had the gall to tell me a few days ago that she thought one telephone company's unlimited internet access offer was a good deal! duh! as if she deserved perks like those! she doesn't even pretend to look for a job. she does absolutely nothing and expects to get everything in return. i felt so frustrated i could not help but burst into tears. if only i could take care of my mom myself. i feel so hopeless. why do i have sisters like those? i truly do not know what to do with them. and every night i am haunted by thoughts of my mother starving to death because i want to teach my sisters a lesson. what the hell should i do?
Monday, February 20, 2006
curious. on february 8 last year, i announced to the world (via blogger anyway) that i was nine weeks on the way. that pregnancy, as some of you may remember, ended tragically just over a month later. today, i am 33 weeks pregnant and looking forward to giving birth to a wonderful and healthy baby boy whom we named jaden. i am so excited and terrified at the same time. i love having my baby move around my tummy, especially when i'm frightfully busy, or trying to concentrate. i guess he just wants some attention and he sure got mine! i have a trip to the doctor later and i love doing that because i get to hear baby's robust heartbeat pounding away. check-ups are two weeks apart now, a clear indication that d-day is just a few weeks away. i can't wait! but there's still so much to do in preparation for jaden -- we haven't even bought a bed for him yet. argh. yari kang credit card ka. |
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