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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
i cried at work today. in between stuff i have to do today and things that were due yesterday, i decided to call my mother to ask whether the electric bill had already arrived. it hadn't. so it being just after lunchtime i asked whether she had had any lunch yet. she told me she drank a glass of fortified milk and ate nothing else. when i asked her why she said that that was usually what she had for "lunch." they usually reserved the heavy meals for dinner. i asked if that was okay with her and she said yes, because well, there wasn't any money for food. so i asked her what she had for dinner last night and she said, "tofu." then, as an afterthought, "chicken." then i heard my two sisters make a remark in the background and she said, "aray!" i then asked whether my youngest sister has made moves to apply for work and my mother said yes, in a call center in makati. i again heard my two sisters make a remark, as if they did not want my mom telling me what they were up to, that my sister had just applied and nothing has come of it yet. so i thought, so f*cking what? i was just asking and i didn't think there was anything wrong with that! so i asked to speak to one of them and well my younger sister snapped that it was not as if they had chicken every night, that they actually ate chicken for the first time in weeks. so i told her, what's so bad about that? i was just asking. i had not been giving them money for groceries lately because my salary couldn't allow for my bloated expenses. i was f*cking pregnant. i have needs of my own to take care of and i could only pay for their monthly utility bills just to make sure they have uninterrupted electricity, water and phone services. besides, i wanted them to feel that they have to do something to help themselves for a change. find work. put their rotting brains to good use and lead meaningful lives. and in the process, i am made to feel guilty for starving my own mother. as if i am being punished because i wanted them to get off their butts and be useful to themselves and to this pathetic family. all they do is sleep all day and watch tv all night for christ's sake! and my younger sister had the gall to tell me a few days ago that she thought one telephone company's unlimited internet access offer was a good deal! duh! as if she deserved perks like those! she doesn't even pretend to look for a job. she does absolutely nothing and expects to get everything in return. i felt so frustrated i could not help but burst into tears. if only i could take care of my mom myself. i feel so hopeless. why do i have sisters like those? i truly do not know what to do with them. and every night i am haunted by thoughts of my mother starving to death because i want to teach my sisters a lesson. what the hell should i do? |
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