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Thursday, March 09, 2006
but how? 1. how can i simply be? all these discordant voices and noises inside my head and all around me are distracting me beyond reason. i am plagued i tell you. plagued by them and by myself. why can i not care? how can i remain insensitive when my very nature dictates that i be hyper-sensitive to stimuli, to my environment, to the people around me? i fear that it is impossible as long as i am here. 2. how can i privatize my posts? i don't think one can do that here in blogger. besides, i don't think anyone reads my blog anyway, aside from you, my dear friends, much less google them. i don't think my thoughts and ideas are interesting enough to those people who don't know me personally. incompetence bothers me. okay, to be very blunt about it, it irritates me to no end. i have no patience for stupidity (in other people at least. i am mean that way.). nor do i have the tact to show that i am unaffected by it. i guess i was spoiled by good education -- i have always been surrounded by brilliant people -- in high school and college. i have always expected brilliance from the people i interact with and have therefore come to expect it from the people i work with. unfortunately... even my boss and my former boss have this principle in hiring people: "hindi ko kailangan ng magaling na tao. ang kailangan ko yung mapagkakatiwalaan." i mean what kind of fucked up philosophy is that? if i were the boss i'd require excellence and trustworthiness and loyalty from my people. and i would get it too because i know what it would take for an employee to be loyal and trustworthy and that is to keep them happily provided, to give them no less than what they expect to get (sometimes even more, if they deserve it), show them the same respect you give yourself, and they will rise to the occasion. because hey, that's what every employee worth his salt wants, right? sadly, this concept escapes my boss entirely. they expect to get 110% from their people when they themselves give 50%. so why do i not leave? i have tried and my plans were foiled by chance, by fate, by circumstance. but maybe in may...
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Lord, teach me to be generous. Teach me to serve you as you deserve; to give and not count the cost; to fight and not heed the wounds; to toil and not seek for rest; to labor and not ask for reward, except to knowthat I am doing your will. Amen. when i was in college, i was introduced to this wonderful prayer by st. ignatius of loyola, our school's patron saint. the ideals of giving and serving others was not exactly new to me, but to have it versed in such a way was really an eye-opener. on a scale of 1 to 10 for generosity, i'd give myself a 7. i will not pretend to be open-hearted all the time, and i can be very mean sometimes, especially when things are tight. but i do feel the urge to give especially to those people whom i deem to be deserving of my generosity. i have no wish to be applauded or recognized for such acts -- i've never thought them to merit any sort of recognition anyway. this is merely a background for what i am really trying to get at in this post. so bear with me on this one. now i fear that my beliefs about giving and serving are becoming a hindrance to my fulfillment of my so-called duties. since i am part of a very public organization, i can say nothing more than this: i now feel ashamed of being part of it. i found myself, on various occasions explaining what we are doing and trying to justify our "projects" to my friends and to people who ask me what we are all about. i feel as if we are not serving anyone but ourselves. i hate it. i hate it even more because i cannot do anything about it! i want to look people in the eye and honestly say that we are here to be of service to you and give you something you really need. pero ngayon, parang lumalabas moro-moro lang ito. kawawa naman yung yumaong boss ko, mukha niya ang nakabalandra sa lahat ng 'to. hindi ko sinasabi na sobrang buti kong tao. pero ayokong manloko, ayokong humarap sa tao para sabihin ito ang gagawin namin pero hindi naman pala. parang pakiramdam ko, parte ako ng isang malaking panloloko, panggagantso. pakiramdam ko tuloy, ang dumi ko. nakakahiya sa mga prinsipyo ko, nanliliit ako. naglalaban ang katungkulan ko sa mga pinaniniwalaan ko. bakit ba kasi ako naging kasanib si san ignacio?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
i. have. a. headache. it's this stupid weather. i wish it was friday already (because i won't be in for work and i'm meeting up with a friend.) *sigh* and so what i thought was going to be a great day turned out to be not so great after all. joks was supposed to come home from thailand yesterday and he did so that made me happy. but then, when we got back to the office i found out that all my files in the trusty flash disk that i use had been corrupted when it was used by my officemate. i know it's weird but i felt a deep sense of loss: all my files that i've worked hard on for the past six months -- gone in a flash! it's like losing a loyal and reliable friend. i felt so bad afterwards that i couldn't talk to my officemate for fear of saying something i would regret later. i found out this morning that she couldn't sleep because of what happened and is up to now trying to recover the files by downloading a program specifically designed for that purpose. i certainly hope she gets to recover those files but then, i've already lost hope and accepted the inevitable. such is technology. and here i was trying to save planet earth by not backing up my files with hard copies. darn. a shout out to dear cessy. glad you liked my previous posts. heehee. |
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