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Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Lord, teach me to be generous. Teach me to serve you as you deserve; to give and not count the cost; to fight and not heed the wounds; to toil and not seek for rest; to labor and not ask for reward, except to knowthat I am doing your will. Amen. when i was in college, i was introduced to this wonderful prayer by st. ignatius of loyola, our school's patron saint. the ideals of giving and serving others was not exactly new to me, but to have it versed in such a way was really an eye-opener. on a scale of 1 to 10 for generosity, i'd give myself a 7. i will not pretend to be open-hearted all the time, and i can be very mean sometimes, especially when things are tight. but i do feel the urge to give especially to those people whom i deem to be deserving of my generosity. i have no wish to be applauded or recognized for such acts -- i've never thought them to merit any sort of recognition anyway. this is merely a background for what i am really trying to get at in this post. so bear with me on this one. now i fear that my beliefs about giving and serving are becoming a hindrance to my fulfillment of my so-called duties. since i am part of a very public organization, i can say nothing more than this: i now feel ashamed of being part of it. i found myself, on various occasions explaining what we are doing and trying to justify our "projects" to my friends and to people who ask me what we are all about. i feel as if we are not serving anyone but ourselves. i hate it. i hate it even more because i cannot do anything about it! i want to look people in the eye and honestly say that we are here to be of service to you and give you something you really need. pero ngayon, parang lumalabas moro-moro lang ito. kawawa naman yung yumaong boss ko, mukha niya ang nakabalandra sa lahat ng 'to. hindi ko sinasabi na sobrang buti kong tao. pero ayokong manloko, ayokong humarap sa tao para sabihin ito ang gagawin namin pero hindi naman pala. parang pakiramdam ko, parte ako ng isang malaking panloloko, panggagantso. pakiramdam ko tuloy, ang dumi ko. nakakahiya sa mga prinsipyo ko, nanliliit ako. naglalaban ang katungkulan ko sa mga pinaniniwalaan ko. bakit ba kasi ako naging kasanib si san ignacio? |
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