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Monday, November 20, 2006
i wonder when it happened, or how. but right now i feel so...sad, even sadder than sad. it's like there's a pit of loneliness that wasn't there before, that i couldn't seem to fill with happiness no matter how much i try. i wish it would go away. i wish i wouldn't feel anything, to be numb from pain. yesterday, a thought seized me - a realization that hit me like a tornado that i thought i would die. i cried into the big basin of laundry water for an hour. i realized, and it pains me to think this: he doesn't love me the way he used to. i cannot explain why, it's all muddled up in my head how i came to think of this and it's a wonder i can even string two words together when i am in this state. i guess it's too much of me to ask for the one good thing in my life to last, huh? i am not looking forward to the rest of my life right now, i can tell you that. i need to get away, to breathe, to think, to calm my self and prepare my heart to be broken a million times for the next 50 years. i wonder if i can stand it that long. but i couldn't just run away - there are deadlines to meet, diapers to change...so i guess i'm stuck here. |
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