i had forgotten how noisy, how chaotic everything is here. how you sometimes cannot hear yourself think.

i had forgotten how anonymous you can be here. people rush from here to there, not seeing each other, not looking at each other's faces. not smiling, too preoccupied with their own concerns, too wrapped up in their own worlds to bother with their neighbors.

i had forgotten how money can run out so fast here. one meal, one bus ride, one shirt, one bottle of water -- 500 bucks gone in a flash.

i left my heart in the barrio. i can't wait to go home.

"the water was so clear you could drink it," my husband remarked to me while we were traveling to bacolod last friday.

we had passed a couple of local boys who were taking a joyous dip into a river. i made a comment about the water's murkiness (it was cafe au lait in color) at which he smiled, agreeing silently. i chided him then how he used to do that and enjoy it very much as well when he was a kid.

that was when he made the defensive remark and proceeded to tell me how clean the water was in the river where he and other neighborhood boys would swim regularly, naked as the day they were born. they would catch shrimp and small fish from the river with a small net, and would have more than enough for a meal. there was a kind of shrimp that was plentiful -- a large one, as big as one's lower arm and it was so meaty the flesh almost tasted like lobster.

but that was before pesticides were used widely in rice farms in their area he said. the chemicals poured into the fields would inevitably end up in the river, killing all the creatures there, including the big shrimps they call patuyaw.

today, very few seafood can be caught from the river, or even at sea. as a result not only of widespread and indiscriminate pesticide use, but also of overfishing, and other factors such as improper waste management.

i would have loved for my son to experience swimming in a very clean river, catch fish or shrimps or even crabs for me to cook. sadly, tragically, the chances of that ever happening are very slim.

i have often talked to his second cousin emmanuel over the past year and i know that he is a very diligent, hardworking young man who, unlike many of his classmates, is serious about his studies. he had told me that he wanted to go to college after graduating from high school -- a feat that seemed nearly impossible considering their family's financial background.

emmanuel's father is a farmer and her mother is a housewife. emmanuel is the third child among a brood of six. his two older siblings already have families of their own while his younger sisters are all in school.

i admired his courage to voice out his dream of pursuing a college education despite the apparent challenges he would face once he does. on the eve of his high school graduation, i encouraged him to try and take up entrance examinations at silliman university, arguably one of the best private institutions in the country. his family surrounded us while we were talking, and i understood how emmanuel's firm resolve to go to college at all costs frightened them. it was not that they are not proud of emmanuel's accomplishment and dream, it was simply anxiety that they would not be able to support emmanuel's education to the full, especially if he goes to silliman. i told them that he could always apply for scholarships and not to worry so much.

a few days ago i found out that emmanuel passed the silliman examinations. unfortunately, he only qualified for a 50% scholarship for the first semester. he has to work off (at PHP 20 or USD 0.50 an hour) the remaining 50% and would have to re-apply for a scholarship for the second semester and for the succeeding three years.

he has an option to take a full scholarship grant in a local university that admittedly does not have as good a track record as silliman and i feel that his family is urging him to do that instead of taking a big risk in silliman.

emmanuel understands that if he decides to enroll in silliman, he is endangering his siblings' education. they would have to sell one of their carabaos to pay for his expenses. the family would have to make certain sacrifices for him. he does not want that to happen -- but he really wants to study in silliman because he knows that he can have access to excellent education there, the kind of education that would also give him excellent opportunities in the future. he knowsthat studying in silliman would be beneficial to emmanuel's family in the long run.

but before he can think of his future, he has to think of the present.

i wish i could help him financially but i am in no position to do so. all i can do is pray for a miracle.