Monday, December 15, 2008
It's because of this that I sometimes wish I had a proper kitchen complete with a gas range.
Me wants some chocolate liek, nau. *salivates*
Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of you.
I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.
Labels: pablo neruda, poetry
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Absolutely cracked Liz and I up today. What a riot.
Labels: humor, oprah, tom cruise, youtube
Okay, so the reason why I keep postponing writing about giving birth to Leala is the fact that I know I won't be able to finish it in one sitting. I hate leaving things unfinished. Alas, I do not have the time nor the energy to write for extended periods of time. Except, maybe, listening scripts that Jordan and Meg think I'm addicted to.
It was a scheduled operation and though it was supposed to be on a Monday morning, I was actually prepped the night before. I checked into the hospital (in a wheelchair!) Sunday afternoon and was told to go on a soft diet until 7pm. They told me that I'm no longer allowed to take any food after that time. Que horror!
When the dinner tray came it consisted of chicken adobo and (drum roll please) lugaw. Porridge. No salt, no sugar. Nothing. I felt like I was six again, at home with the flu. I stuffed myself nonetheless, knowing it was going to be a long time until I'd be able to eat anything again.
I couldn't sleep soundly that night, knowing I'd be cut open in just a few hours. My back ached, the way it normally does because of Leala's movements. At around 4 in the morning I was awoken by the night orderly who cheerily told me it was time for my most dreaded part of the entire process. I was spared from it the last time because my water broke prematurely. But now, there was no escape. The lady gloved up, and ouch! Damn. That hurt. Not like hell, but it was uncomfortable and I never want it to happen again.
After a few tears and several trips to the bathroom, it was almost time for the gurney. At around seven in the morning, after watching the breakfast tray come and go without me being allowed near it, two men came with a stretcher. We left the room, with my husband trailing along, bringing our camera.
I was wheeled into the operating room and strapped onto the operating table. I had to endure close to an hour of lying down on my back, without the option to lie on my side and it was excruciating! I could feel Leala's (of course, we didn't know her name until after I gave birth) weight on my spine. My OB was caught in traffic and we had to wait for her. Perfect.
When the nurses and the anesthesiologist were informed that my OB is already in the building and on her way up, they started to prepare me for the anesthesia. I was asked to lie on my side, finally, and curl up in a fetal position. That.Is.Not.Easy. With a ball for a stomach how could it be? My anesthesiologist complained that because I had too much fat on my back (thanks doctor, I'm paying you after all) she had a difficult time finding where to stick the needle in (I repeat, you're being paid, suck it up. :p)
Anyway, as soon as the epidural was over, I felt the numbness in my legs and arms. I was positioned to lie on my back again but since I was already numb, there was no back pain anymore. I waited until I fell asleep but to my surprise, I did not. The anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask over my face and told me, "I'll let you fall asleep later, after they sew you up okay?"
I was in no position to argue. I was scared shitless. Though I felt no pain, it was weird how I knew I was being sliced open even if I couldn't see a thing as a piece of cloth prevented me from seeing right into my bowels. I guess that would have made me faint. (The picture afterward reinforced this suspicion.) There were moments when I felt completely overwhelmed by just the whole thing, I almost hyperventilated and kept sucking on the oxygen. I forced myself to calm down and relax because I knew that the doctors' jobs would have been harder had I fainted, lost consciousness, increased my blood pressure or all of the above simultaneously. I didn't want to die and I truly felt I was going to, right on that table. It felt like I was drowning and I kept trying to claw my way onto the surface of the water.
I don't know how long it took them to cut right through my tummy and grab Leala out but when they did, the anesthesiologist told me, "Okay we're pulling your baby out. There's gonna be some pressure." I heard my baby cry, and someone exclaimed, "It's a girl!" A few moments later, they showed me Leala and allowed me to kiss her a few times. One of the nurses was kind enough to take pictures (which I couldn't post since my PC is on the blink.)
After that, I blacked out and the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and feeling awful. It was very hot, unlike my two previous experiences when I was comfortably ensconced in a very thick blanket in an airconditioned room. Apparently, some old guy didn't want the airconditioning turned up because he felt cold. Because of the heat and nausea, I threw up a few times, mostly just water since my stomach didn't have anything. It was downright awful.
After what seemed like ages but was only actually a couple of hours, I was finally wheeled into my room where there was airconditiong, my husband and my eldest kid. As the anesthesia started to wear off, pain from the wound, hunger, and thirst accosted me all at the same time. I was told not to eat for several more hours. In total though, I wasn't able to eat anything for nearly three days. That, alone, is enough to put me off childbirth.
Labels: C-section, childbirth, hospital
I cannot believe all of these celebrities came together for this. I mean, hello? Josh Groban? LOL! Thanks Litz!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I can't go home yet, even if I wanted to.
I feel awful. My nape sort of hurts, the way it does when your blood pressure's up. It's weird. I want to go home.
For that, Nica, eto na:
1. Layla likes to eat cupcakes. (That I do.)
2. Layla likes to dance. (NOT!)
3. Layla likes to read. (Alas! There isn't time!)
4. Layla likes to spend time with her human friends but she won't make the first move to be pet. (Oh-kay, glad that was cleared up. No petting.)
5. Layla likes to tan in the sun. (NOT!) She also LOVES to sleep. (I'd love to really, but there isn't much time.)
6. Layla likes to lay around and watch T.V. with her family. (While munching on chips.)
7. Layla likes to swim and is used to playing in a fenced yard. (WTF!)
8. Layla likes to play with big dogs. (WAHAHAHA! NO.)
9. Layla likes to be around people, climb everything and investigate any open cupboard, dryer or refrigerator. (If I climbed anything that would be the end of that thing.)
10. Layla likes to go shopping during off hours and is trying to improve skill in order to get ahead professionally. (And what profession is this, may I ask?)
Last night I did something awful. I don't think I can forgive myself for it. It's a wonder I'm able to function properly at all today. My thoughts wander back inevitably to last night when I did a terrible, terrible thing. I feel so awful, so...undeserving of the title mother and I wince every time I remember what I did.
*I scolded Jaden and slapped his leg for kicking my throat.*
He was so scared he peed in his shorts. It was a horrible, horrible thing for me to do. I hate myself for doing that. For not being as patient as I should have been. For not understanding my son, my son whom I swore to love and protect with my life. I hurt my own son. That is unforgivable. I apologized to him ten million times already but I know I can never take it back. This morning, at dawn, he woke up suddenly and said, "Mommy!" He hugged me, indicating he wanted me to hug him back. He slept again in my arms after asking me to remove his diaper and take him to the toilet so he could pee.
I feel so guilty. I want to take the rest of the day off and spend it with my son, perhaps, make him feel how sorry I am and how much I love him. I hate that I'm turning into my father who hit us and punished us severely when we were kids. I swore I'd never do that but now I have. I honestly want to run away and hide myself in shame.
*I want to kill myself. I don't think I can do this anymore.*
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
This made me weep today.
If this happened to me, I don't know if I'll be able to go on.
Labels: news
With everything that's been going on in my life, even posting project 365 pictures has taken a backseat. So. I've posted more than week's worth in the album. I can't seem to upload in my photobucket account. Maybe, I'll move them to Flickr. Will update when I've done that.
Will continue blogging about my 365 photos soon.