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Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Last night I did something awful. I don't think I can forgive myself for it. It's a wonder I'm able to function properly at all today. My thoughts wander back inevitably to last night when I did a terrible, terrible thing. I feel so awful, so...undeserving of the title mother and I wince every time I remember what I did. *I scolded Jaden and slapped his leg for kicking my throat.* He was so scared he peed in his shorts. It was a horrible, horrible thing for me to do. I hate myself for doing that. For not being as patient as I should have been. For not understanding my son, my son whom I swore to love and protect with my life. I hurt my own son. That is unforgivable. I apologized to him ten million times already but I know I can never take it back. This morning, at dawn, he woke up suddenly and said, "Mommy!" He hugged me, indicating he wanted me to hug him back. He slept again in my arms after asking me to remove his diaper and take him to the toilet so he could pee. I feel so guilty. I want to take the rest of the day off and spend it with my son, perhaps, make him feel how sorry I am and how much I love him. I hate that I'm turning into my father who hit us and punished us severely when we were kids. I swore I'd never do that but now I have. I honestly want to run away and hide myself in shame. *I want to kill myself. I don't think I can do this anymore.*
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